I'm not the girl you date.

I've always wanted to be her.
The girl that dated a boy through high school, and then became his young bride several years down the road.

The thought of that sounded so graceful, so swift, romantic, and peaceful.
You see, that was the problem. I'm not a graceful person, I'm not a warm cup of tea, I'm not a Saturday morning, or a no homework on a Tuesday night.

I'm not swift, I can't even walk straight.
See, I'm a burnt meal because I couldn't stop watching law and order, I'm a bruise on the leg because I got hurt when I fell, not by slipping on the water, but by running into the wet-floor sign. I am the 5th stop on a road trip, because I have the smallest bladder ever.

I'm the girl who punched your face when you grabbed my butt, then later accepted your apology and became one of your greatest friends.

I'm the girl who didn't talk to you on the way back from our date, because I fell asleep on the ride home, even though home was only 20 min away.

I'm the girl you took to a party and accidentally elbowed you in the face and made your nose bleed so much.

I'm the one you met at a bus station in Texas, the stranger who you stayed up all night with, and the one who woke up the whole bus with her uproarious laugh when you said something extremely hilarious.

I'm the girl you confessed your love to at the end of that one Summer, even though you knew she wasn't going to say it back.    

I'm the girl who convinced you to jump in the pond in the middle of the night and you came out with bugs stuck to your legs.

I'm the girl whose muddy cleats stained your brand new car carpet after soccer practice.

I'm the girl who made us get all dirty and wet because I managed to flip the kayak and we had to chase the paddles, and you had to let me borrow shoes because the river took mine.

I'm the girl who made up her mind about you a little too late.

I'm the girl you wished a heart break to, so I'd know what it felt like.
The one you taught that you can't fill up loneliness with people you have no intentions of loving.

I'm the girl you laugh with, take cute pictures with, the girl you take to prom even though you know she's going to dance with everyone. I'm the girl you sing songs with obnoxiously in the car, the one you sit with in a drive way talking til the sun comes up, but never lets you nap with her the rest of the day.

The girl you say "you're different" to when I'm around, and when I leave you, you change your mind, curse my name, and whisper "you're just like the rest."

The one who is, I quote, "the worst hopeless romantic ever."



I've always wanted to be the one that stayed, but
I'm not good at being her.
To tell you a secret, I'm kind of frighten to be her.
I hate goodbyes but I sure am good at leaving.


I've gave away a few kisses, I gave away a first shooting star, several intimate secrets, I've gave away too many hip swings on the dance floor. I've gave away slow dances, and hand holds, I've gave away hugs, and eye winks. I've gave away some laughter and 3 a.m. phone calls.


I've never gave away my heart though, I've never let anyone love me so far, I've saved my feelings, tucked them in somewhere that I can't even find anymore.


One day someone might change it, someone might turn me into her.

And until him, to everyone else..
I won't be the girl you date,
I'm just the girl you remember.

good kind of love.

I don't really like to remember life pre work crew, because it doesn't hold all of you in it.

This reunion made me love you guys that much more, after a semester full of struggle I rested 110 percent. The nights we were together, I slept so well, no trace of anxiety, no nightmares, nothing. 

It was peaceful, just like the Summer we spent side by side.
I woke up to Paige Clayton's gentle touch on my shoulder, Lindsay in the shower, and Logan across  the room from me, her first words of the day being "I don't ever want to leave."

My heart melted as I watched everyone go up, one by one, saying what their life looked like after leaving sharp top cove.
I wasn't alone in hardships, but what would take me forever to tell one person back home, took me 2 minutes to stand up and tell all 30 of you.
It so easy for words to flow out of my mouth, so easy for tears to slide down my face, so easy to laugh, to love, to pray, to sing, to dance.
This is what life is suppose to look like, we were brought together by a common purpose, and with that same common purpose we were reunited.
So here's to common purposes that lead to the cross, because it's the one meaningful similarity that we all share, a cavern for Christ.
Who knew that working endlessly one summer could teach you to love the most?

I wish I had enough words to explain to the world how grateful I am for this community, for my best friends in the whole entire universe.

I love you, with all the good kind of love that I can possibly gather from this worn, sloppy, mess of a heart that beats inside my chest.