I liked the rush of secrets and what went down after sunset, because that's when I would come alive. I fed off of excitement, speed, jumping in a pond when I was supposed to be tucked in bed. I loved the adrenaline of interlocking hands and running full speed. I'm a hopeless romantic, but how could I accept a pursuit when I was addicted to the game. And that was me at 15. I was hair down, shotgun, window crawling, and vanity was at it's finest. It was care free livin' but something about it was not the least bit fulfilling. It was like having an amazing day at the beach, but afterwards, you're tired from all that walking, and you want to crash in your bed. That was my life, it was fun, but the need to come back to bed always elbowed my hip. Somewhere in my head a voice whispered "rest," but my flesh screamed "young". And in the middle of my race, I wasn't looking forward, I was laughing and looking behind me, making sure I always made everything an adventure. That's when I ran head first into the chest of trouble. But that made me laugh harder, trouble? She was my allied, and led me to the unknown. I became a walking mystery, never revealing the full story of all my wandering. Leave me alone, I mean, I just wanted to be free. But with every lie another chained wrapped itself around my wrist. Soon I was held captive to a world that I loved and that I thought loved me. I was just thirsty for liberty, I was curious, I was reckless. I made a mess of my heart. And no one could fix it, I was broken. I was a slave of my own cravings, of my pride, of always wanting to be beautiful. None of that ever took away the constant reminder, the lie, that I wasn't loved.
If you haven't realized it, this is my testimony.
Jesus chose me. He found me in my fear and helplessness. And I said "
But Jesus! I'm too drawn to mysterious things, I'm afraid of the light because I've been so involved with darkness."
Jesus said,
"I am the biggest mystery you will ever face, discover me."
And then I loved the gospel.
Then I said "
But Jesus my heart is too passionate, it can't be still, I need adventure."
Jesus said, "
I'm your adrenaline, your favorite story, your wild, your instability, I'm going to use it."
And then I loved apostle Paul's letters.
Then I said
"But Jesus, my mistakes, my past, my filth."
And Jesus said
nothing, literally, Jesus didn't utter a word when he was being crucified. That
nothing echoed from Calvary's Hill.
And then I loved grace.
One of the most beautiful things that God has given you is your individuality. God doesn't have a problem with my personality, he doesn't have a problem with my hearts desires. In fact, God gave them to me, it's me who misused them.
I have messy hair and a thirsty heart. And God wants it, he want my passion for people, he wants my thirst to see the world. He wants my tomorrow, he want's my laughter, he wants my frustration, he wants ME. He isn't here to ruin the fun, Eric Leathers once said if you think Jesus is boring, you don't know him.
Jesus is my greatest adventure, I know Him, He is my friend, He is my rush, always interlocking hands with me, He is my living water that I jumped into, He is mine, and I am His.
