live like this.

It's morning now,
and the sun blazes through the window allowing me to see the dust dancing around in the light that breaks in around the curtains.
My sluggish, feverish body gives me strength to make tea and I convince myself it's okay to add two spoons full of honey. I sit comfortably in my couch and press the cup to my lips and take a tiny sip. I make it swirl a bit around my mouth before I let it run down my throat. I admire the taste of tea, cool enough to not sting my tongue but hot enough to make me warm.
Though I'm physically ill,  my mind is at peace, I only think about my delicious tea and the restful day that lies ahead of me.
In the midst of my solitary enjoyment, the thought of you comes crashing in my brain like waves on a stormy night.
"noooo" I whisper, get out of my head.
That's what I hate the most, that the memory of you attacks me not when I'm at my worst but when I'm not struggling with any mental demons, when I'm completely content.
That's when you so easily slip into my very thoughts, re-captivate my soul, and a flood of emotions, flashbacks, and pain come in and I very bitterly relive it all.
You don't deserve me to be smitten with you, for me to still remember.
My lovely, gentle readers, I hope you never feel the way I do  in remembrance of him. I hope no one ever in your short years, make you feel so useless, so inferior, so helpless and lost.
May you never gasp for air, only to attain more wrenching sobs. I hope you never let someone so deep, so hidden in your insides, that getting them out is torture all the way to the bones.
May your first love, be your only love because if  not, I'm afraid  you're forced to live like this.