he heard my voice.

I found this crumbled up in the bottom of a box.

& I remembered exactly when I wrote it ..

I was in class, not listening as usual, I was trying to write down exactly how I felt. 

That is all I had, I was restless.

Wrestling with countless and what seemed like endless nightmares and sleep paralysis attacks. 

Along with mistakes, regrets, this "perfect" little world of mine was getting too heavy to carry around on my shoulders.  

I took out handfuls of folded up paper and opened every single one them.

I literally re read every single bible verse/letter/quote/song lyric Abby gave me to encourage me.

I remember praying and praying and praying.. 

I remember asking where He was. 

I remember the frustration of not feeling this God that everyone said would never leave me.

But I didn't give up, and Abby didn't give up on me either, and neither did HE. 

He gave freedom.

I'm not captive anymore..

I don't live a life where I have to hide, I'm no longer as sick as my darkest secret.

I walk in light.

Jesus,

you heard my voice. 

lost.

I feel fearless sometimes, like I don't care what anyone says I'm going to dive in this with all my heart because that's what it wants to do.

Other days, like today. Where I haven't ate right, or slept well because guilt and anxiety attack me from every direction.

I ask again, is this worth it?
Is he worth all this trouble that I'm going to face with everyone?
My head hurts, I feel dizzy just thinking about it and nausea strikes me.
I've never felt so lost. ever.
I've never not known what to do.
There's got to be a way right?
I just haven't found it yet.

I have a date.

"...so will you..?" he said at the very end of the sentence.

Wait.what! Did he just ask me out? no. What is he doing? Those crazy, lovely blue eyes that once looked at me as a friend. Were now gazing at me with anticipation and spark.

We were under beautiful lights, trees, the beauty of nature under the night sky, with music in the background, and the sound of people laughing and having a good time. 

It was all going so great...

Why'd he have to ruin it..

okay, okay. I'm being kind of a brat. 

It was a very sweet thing to do, though it was entirely too main stream and awkward.

"umm, No. I'm just kind of...err" 

Great sentence Nat! He probably feels as great as chopped liver right about now.

"What" he innocently asked with a confused expression.

"I'm talking to someone right now.." I lied. (Shutup, I panicked) 

"oh, your mom said you weren't" he responded, now looking more confused.

MOMMM!!!!

 he talked to my MOTHER?!?!

"oh, well I'm just resolving some feelings for someone" I silently said.

Okay, that one isn't entirely a lie...

"okay, well just keep in touch" he was forcing a smile and my inside were twisting, and guilt was stuck along with the knot in my throat.

 He is beautiful. No, like BEAUTIFUL. Looks like he jumped out of a magazine and I flirted with him all the time. It's what I freaking get for being such a dang tease... I would have never expected him to develop feelings for me. He just isn't my type and doesn't fit my personality at all. arghhh.

"alright, I will! lets not make this awkward. Lets go get some cake" I responded with such fake enthusiasm, I didn't even believe it. 

Lets go get some cake.

Lets go get some cake.

because CAKE was more important than this poor boys feelings.!

I'm an idiot.

We go back to the party and everyone was starring, because quite frankly EVERY BODY KNEW. 

It was just.. oh gosh. horrid.

I felt like such a witch.

And I didn't hear the end of it from Abby..

"oh you could have had a boyfriend."

"hahahahha, you and him"

Long story short.

He's been texting me and I agreed to go on a date tomorrow.

Let me give you a glimpse of the conversation... word for word.

I kid you not.

"Hey Nathallie. What are you doing this Wednesday"

"I'm not sure!"

"Okay if you want and if it wont cause  problems, would you like to hang out on Wednesday?"

"sure!"

"Awesome. what would you want to do"

"I don't care!"

"Well me either.Is there a movie you want to see, do you want to go eat somewhere I'm up for anything"

"you're driving, you pick"

"well is there a movie you want to see"

"Not that I know of, anything is cool"

"Is there somewhere you want to eat that you haven't been to in a while"

...

on. 

and on.

I know. he's trying so hard. 

It makes me feel terrible inside because

one. I didn't see this coming.

and two. his parents love me and are very upset that I said no.

and three. my mom calls me a jerk because she says I "lead guys on and the only reason I don't like him is because he is a good guy"...  while my dad dies of laughter every time we hit the subject.

I have a date tomorrow guys.

sigh. 

Fearless.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before.  FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.  I think love is FEARLESS.

& I Nathallie Lynnette Chavez have never felt so Fearless.

all is well.

Start of my senior year and I'M SICK.
just my darn luck, /I feel like I've been ran over by a truck about 83 times.
Breathing is even painful, my heart aches every time I cough, which is often.
I can't smell absolutely anything, and I'm going completely insane!
& I sound like a mental horse every time I talk...
yeah. yeah. yeah I'm such a baby.

Anyway!
Despite of my physical illness my classes aren't the worst.
I have..
Internship ( I dont know where yet)
AP Psychology (online)
AP World History ( only with the cutest freakin teacher alive, Mr.Freeman.. gosh, I  hope he doesn't read these)
Flex

Hopefully I'll recover soon so I can be all perky and what not again.
This place might not be my favorite but I mean, all is well.

p.s.  SHOUT OUT to all my Work Crew Family that I miss so much.

I thought this was a good picture of me.

.....No?

alright.

fate is cruel sometimes.

"I like the way you say my name" his perfect lips shaped themselves into a smirk and I rolled my eyes in response. I hadn't known him long but I caught on to his flirtatious ways probably quicker than he would have wished. The wind violently rattled the windows, and the waves fiercely crashed against the shore as the thunder roared causing me to squirm in fear.
I hate thunderstorms but I wouldn't dare admit it at the moment, no, not to him. He was 100 percent bad A and would probably laugh at my distraught nature over a storm.

Not knowing what to do with myself anymore as he uncomfortably starred at my face. I began to put my hair up in a pony tail. I didn't realize how knotty the wind had made it on our walk back to the beach house until my fingers where wrestling with each strand as they were tangled in one another.

"I like your curly hair too" he said smirking again, as he examined my struggle to put my hair up in a simple pony tail he let out a small chuckle.
"Would you shut up?" I said in a bratty tone as I finished putting my hair up, instantly regretting it knowing it probably looked better down anyway.

He laughed out loud at my remark and ran his fingers over his brown, messy hair.
I let a smile escape my lips at the sight of him leaning back on the couch, looking towards the ceiling still giggling. I knew he loved my reactions to his comments which were quite frankly a feeble attempt to flatter me.
He's just too cool I remember thinking.



I snapped out of my flashback in time to find the student teacher tilting his head, squinting his face waiting for my response to his question.
"Nathallie" I quickly said  slightly biting my lip, and managed to throw him a non chalant smile as if I hadn't noticed all the resemblance him and his brother shared.
All my muscles had tighten at the sound of his last name, which had given me a chance to recognize the shape of his eyes. Only one other person had those same shape of eyes and it was to no surprise his own flesh and blood.

Did he know who I was? I was being paranoid now.
Who cares?  They're just brothers!

I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to put the puzzles together and figure it out like I just had. I mentally slapped myself for not doing that earlier as I turned my head, as if I could stop him for knowing, as if  turning around could erase my image from his brain after a 10 min conversation.

Every time my little beach friend came around I always kind of hid and became terribly uneasy.
I never wanted to face all that had went on a year ago at the beach.
Now I had to face the resemblance and mannerisms him and his older brother shared at my own school. This is my territory, this isn't fair, I'm trying to forget..
In essence, this might be good for me but right now it just feels as if fate is being awfully cruel.

Here's to Senior year.

"I want to go to California!"

I've heard her lips utter these six words over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.
Her angelic voice always covered the room as she sang "there's a boy out on the coast of california. there's a world out there and it's waiting for you."

Her determination and constant nagging finally took a toll and put her on a plane, and off to Cali she went.
I was ready to recieve a load of text messages of how she never wanted to leave, I was antciapating the losing of her heart to the glamour state.

Which is why the text message I recieved left me in a state of confusion
as it read "This isn't where I belong."

"Cali?"
"yessss. its crazy"
"Not what you want? "
"Not even close"
"what changed your mind?"
" don't know, guess I created this wonderland in my mind,  but its not that all"
" Well Abby, at least you got to expierence it and know that it's not where you want to be "

Here's to acting like we know exactly what we want, and heres to well, changing our mind because nothing in our life has to be set & stone.
Here's to every excuse being "Whatever, it's our last year"
Here's to "one last times"
Here's to Senior nights.
17. world at our finger tips.
Here's to Senior Year.