silence

I'm the most impatient person, if you know me, then you probably know this.
I don't sit and plan things out, I just go.
You can tell me we're taking a road trip and have nothing planned out, and I'd be okay with it as long as we leave at that moment.
I'm spontaneous, live for now, let's go, let's do this, spur of the moment, take the next exit, whatever, I have a lot of guts kind of girl
It's just who I am.
It can be seen as great, free spirited, unstoppable.... but not right now.
Right now, I see it as the biggest fault in my character.

I don't posses patience.

Waiting.
Is
a
struggle.

& now I'm having to wait to know what my future holds.
God is being silent.
 His silence is painful for a girl who has trembled at his voice.
My anxiety is starting there, at what He's not telling me.
I've asked
and asked
and asked
and asked.

silence

I'm frozen still.
Although I desperately ask to know, I also fear that He needs me to stay here, when I just want to go, anywhere... but here.
I've heard if you want to make God laugh to tell him your plans.
I haven't made any decisions because I haven't got the okay to do so.
I haven't got a 'okay', or a 'no', or a 'yes', or a 'this way', or a 'not that way'...
Doors have been closed for me, then they open back up, then I feel as if I'll all be okay, then I feel helpless.

silence.

The burden of silence.
I've took 30 minute drives around town, where I pray out loud, roll my windows down, turn klove up, asking, crying begging, pleading, for an answer.
and all I've got is...

Unbearable silence.

I literally walk around with a 238479835724398 pound heart.
I don't know where He wants me, I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
I don't even know how to pray about it anymore, my prayers are so scattered, I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. I just need something, anything.



Jesus, I'm not moving until you say move.
I know you're here, in the midst of my madness, I've been through a lot this year..
you didn't bring me this far just to leave me.




 reveal your heart to me.

like you can't imagine

If you know me, then you probably know that this year has been really tough on me.
It hasn't gotten any better.
Nothing has gone in my favor.
My ankle is currently swollen and nothing I do is making it go away, we've already lost 3 starters and we're two wins away from playoffs.
I still don't know where I'm going to college.
I have 3 AP test coming up, that I'm almost 100 percent sure I'm not going to get credit on any of them.
I still don't know how to heal this hurt.
I suck at venting, so I bottle it up and something sets it off and bam! my hands turn purple, my breath is short, and I'm back to the world of anxiety attacks.

Writing is my form of escape but I haven't even been doing that, it frustrates me.
I love to read and now picking up a book makes me more anxious about everything.
Everything that I love is turning into a slave of this damn mental dieses.
I'm way too good at pretending my feelings don't exist, I try to make everything okay.
I'm such a proud person.
I'm feeling helpless like you feel a fever.
I'll give advice like I live by it, when I don't, not at all... not even a little.



I don't think I've wrote one happy thing since Summer.
I'm being a sorry excuse of a Christian at this point, has the love that I speak so loudly of grown cold?
I'm so tired, like. you. can't. imagine.

The future has never looked so blurry, so uncertain, so scary as it does right now.