"You can still get better, you're still in this," I said so hopeful as she grabbed my hands.
Her hands tighten mine and I felt the softness of her thumbs gliding easy over my skin, it felt like it'd been a million years since she had last touched me. My longing for her came to a cease because my eyes were beholding her, she was caressing my fingers and I could not fathom what was going on.
She said nothing and stared at me suddenly worried or confused.
Finally, she spoke, "no."
"You don't want to get better?" I cried.
She shook her head.
"Mama, you want to die?" I raised my voice, I was trying to process this, to understand,
"Yes, I don't want to be like this anymore."
Before I could say anything, my body was jerked awake, I gasped for air and almost choked.
If you've never felt this, I hope to God you never do.
It's literal pain, from your head to your toes,
physical pain.
I'm a strong believer of two things:
1. The morning isn't meant for crying, crying endures for the night but JOY comes in the morning.
2. Nothing should ever hurt you so bad emotionally that it starts hurting you physically.
We are not created to feel like this and at that moment both events were occurring, and I was losing.
I curled up and grabbed the sides of stomach, as if I were trying to hold my insides in place.
What came next was the worst kind of cry, the one where nothing comes out, tears are soaking your face, and your mouth is open to make noise but nothing is coming out.
Pain so deep. I replayed the dream over and over in my head and it felt so real, like she was actually there.
It hadn't felt real that she was gone, until she came back in a dream, and then gone again.
The reality settled in my stomach at the moment and I really couldn't move.
There was a pressure in my heart that was painful, it felt like something was pressing hard against my chest, I didn't even attempt to control myself.
I was suffering and was very much aware of it.
People try to sooth agony by saying that the gone are "watching over us."
I don't believe that it's specified in the bible, and I hope that it's not true.
At times I hope God lets her see us but it's unlikely and for that I'm glad, how we are
dealing with this loss wouldn't go along with the endless happiness that is promised in heaven.
She didn't make it to my graduation or my 18th birthday, she was taken right before it, and the thought of that invades my mind.
She always told us not to cry for her when she passed, and I would always throw my hands in the air and tell her she was going to live forever. I was joking of course, maybe a part of me believed it, I could never picture her not here. She also always said that she didn't want to be in a nursing home or in a hospital bed..and I know it's true, she didn't want to be like that.
Now she isn't.
And I bet it's so beautiful there.
We miss her, her voice, her smile, her painted nails, her smell, her laugh, her everything.
We miss it all, we loved it all.
we love it all.
For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ shall rise first. -1 Thessalonians 4:16
No comments:
Post a Comment