The girl in the old running shoes cried the whole way home.

It started when Liannette missed the bus.

No, not a big deal, I use to miss the bus all the time.

Except yes, it was kind of a big deal because it meant I was going to have to take her to school and I was going to have to miss my internship.

It's alright. I'll just go to school.

Accidentally pull into Maggie's parking spot when I arrived. 

It's fine. She can just get into mine, she'll live.

I go into school with the plan to work on college applications, then study for my ap world test when I get to 2nd period.

Cfnc.org crashed in the middle of my submission...

that's fine I'll just wait a while..

20 min into 2nd period later..

finally working and letting me submit.

Now I only have a while to study for world history.. okay..

I'll spend 50 min studying and the last 10 minutes reviewing my old test. READY.SET...

*ring ring ring 

*Incoming call from Sara Chavez

"Hello"

"The car broke down, can you come get me? I'm stranded on the side of the road."

*2 hours and no lunch later.

I come in for my ap world test... LATE.

It's okay he gave me time to finish!!!... but  I still made a 61. (I'm not suppose to say my grade, shhh)

A 61. That's okay. Whatever. Not a thing I can do about it now, I'm just going to go workout since I have fourth period flex to relief some stress.

Come home and I can't find my running shoes.

I'll just use my old green and white ones, they're a little bit small but I'll be alright.

*about to do some leg exercises to finish my work out

when..

I run right dab into a machine.

ouch, I'm done. I'm done! I'm just going to go back to school to talk to Mr. Ramierz about my personal statement. Crap, it's like 2:50 I better go.

Rushing back to school, about to pull back into Maggie's parking spot then guess what happens?

I HIT MAGGIE'S CAR ON MY WAY, which was parked right beside of me, in my spot.. 

At least she got the memo to trade for the day. It's only a scratch ...Ughh. I better go get her.

 *bell rings for dismissal

Tons of blonde headed girls walking around, no Maggie.

I'll just walk back to her car and wait for her there instead.

I go back to the parking lot to find the principal in front of our vehicles.

"Is this yours?" 

"Yes."

"You hit that car."

REALLY!! REALLY!! THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW.

"I'm aware."

"A lady saw you and called me, where were you going?"

"It wasn't a hit and run, I was going to get Maggie."

"I already called the cops they should be on there way."

THANKS SO MUCH LOVE, WHAT WOULD MY DAY OF LOOKED LIKE WITH OUT YOU  CALLING THE COPS FOR SOMETHING WE COULD FIX WITH A SHARPIE..OR WITH OUT MY DEAR LADY FRIEND WHO THOUGHT I WAS HITTING AND RUNNING. 

blah blah, we stood out in the cold forever...

the cop let our parents handle it since it was nothing we couldn't pay out of pocket with out getting the insurance involved (thank goodness, two accidents in less than 3 months, $$$$ no thanks insurance$$$$$$$$).

Sweet, sweet, shy, Maggie in her cute little dress and glasses had very little to say, and got back in her car and drove off sympathetically waving me goodbye.

As for me I got back in that white Chevrolet,

and I did what I rarely do.

I did what I wanted to do all day.

I cried.

The girl in the old running shoes cried the whole way home.

Good thing I only live 5 min a way because by the time I got home I was crying so hard my vision was a blur, and my stomach was threatening to show me my breakfast.

On the bright side my dad felt very very bad for me and told me that I didn't have to cook just to go get everyone subway.
wooooo.


 p.s.I'm bringing Mags (I wonder if she'll let me call her that) something tomorrow and writing her a nice note for being such a doll.

that was my day. 

God knows I'm tough enough.

When I was in the 8th grade I had to eat lunch beside of Mrs. Bullington, I don't exactly remember why, I think I got in trouble for saying something inappropriate in class (imagine that). Whatever the reason was, there I was with her and another teacher. I liked Mrs.B, I liked her a lot, she was and still is my all time favorite teacher. She would always get me in trouble but not how you would think getting in trouble means. The way she did it was different, she did it in a way that I could see how much she genuinely cared about me. The only teacher that's ever really wanted to constantly know about me, the real me.
The teacher I'm going to remember when I'm 50, the kind of teacher that every teacher should be.

That day she turns over to me and says "you know I think you're a very strong girl."


"I don't have anything to be strong about Mrs.B, I live a pretty good life."

"One day you will have to be and just remember you have all the potential, all the maturity, all the love in your heart, to make it through anything. I just wanted you to know that I see so much in you, it's crazy."




On September 17, 2012 the women who lived with us for 13 years had a stroke, my grandma has been like a 2nd mom to us. By the grace of God she survived, unfortunately, her recovery is a slow process. A process that has involved my mom to go to Texas to take care of her for most of this semester. A process that involves me to be in charge of my 4 younger siblings the majority of the day, with only my 15 year old sister to help me until my dad gets home.
This part of my senior year is so crucial, the stress of college rest so heavily on my shoulders..I tell myself  that it's okay to get a little frustrate because I'm only 17, I'm not suppose to know how to do this.
Then again, I tell myself that I could do better, and it all boils down to me repeating to myself:
you're doing your best
you're doing your best
you're doing your best
you're doing your best

Mrs.B may or may not even remember what she said, but every day since my moms been gone, I've thought about her words.
& they've did me so good.
I am strong, even if I forget sometimes.

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. -Deu. 33:27

Letter from Hell.

I came across this video again, I thought I'd share it.
Don't focus at the thought of someone getting a "letter from hell", that's fiction.
It isn't to scare anyone, just try and hear the message of the video.

Where are you love?

They say people never change, they say people always manage to stay the same.
Did nature forget to take you along with this curse?
Because you, you change like seasons, 
you swear up and down that this time you're not leaving
but I know of your temporary home with me.
I know it like the faithfulness of the morning,
 you come and go just like those seasons.

I watched the leaves of the trees bloom again,
my surroundings showed every sign of life.
I felt reborn along with the butterflies that danced around trying to get a deeper feel
of the air that smelled like fresh cut grass, so earthy, so new . 
I watched the wind take the butterflies, leaving you in perfect sight. 
There you were in all your handsome features, 
"he's back" the bees taunted from a distance.
You start from the bottom, examining my painted red toe nails, and your dancing eyes make their way up tracing the curve of my body, and each curl in my hair. They swiftly take in every part of me, until they meet my own eyes.
I stand there speechless, words caught in the back of my throat, I'm not surprised at your reappearance. I'm baffled at the heart wrenching fact that old feelings look so good on you, and like such a tragedy on me.  

You enjoy coming by just after the winter when I feel a taste of relief,
when I survived the snow without you.
When good love was holding tightly to my hand,
when good love was handing me green & red wrapped present, 
and looking at me the way I look at you. 
He was coming through he really was, he was turning my heart around with
fulfilling promises, and innocent, nervous kisses. 
I let good love go when you stood there surrounded by nature, letting it compliment
your faded tan skin. 
Ahh, but your stays are beginning to get shorter.

& Spring just waved you goodbye,
I go back to my place on the couch, and barley murmur through your
footsteps "stay".
Please love, save me the trouble, I'm weary from all the walks to the door,
I'm worn from the mental wages in my head to let you back in...
so please, do me the favor,
leave the door open as you walk out...
I always open it when you come again anyhow.
Save me the walk of trembling knees, full of weakness to open that door,
no use of hearing it close.
God knows how many times my rug will
feel the sole of your shoe,
and God knows how many times my chimes will ring
with the breeze you leave behind when you leave for the millionth time.

Tell me that you wont be back for the Summer time,
tell the ocean that you like making me feel like your gone for good.
So when the sun is kissing my skin, I'll wish it was you.
Why do you always just leave with out a word for me to trace when you'll return?
There's too much  damage done to my insides when words stay hanging off the tip of your tongue.
Surely you'll be back in time to hear our footsteps crunch dead leaves, as we walk the trails behind my house. 
I mean surely you'll be back when the leaves turn back to different shades of color,
when the cold air makes you shiver.
Or not.
Maybe, Fall you can handle.

Maybe this time you can't bear winter with out me, it's winds are far too fierce,
and that the gray skies made your heart feel damp, and lonely.
Maybe you'll need the colors of my quilt, and the heat of my skin to fall asleep.

Maybe you will be back again next Spring, because the sight of fresh flowers resting
on the side of my hair made you love me again.


Perhaps, your waiting for Summer, so we can nap in the hammock while the fireflies
light up enough that I can see your strong hands wrapped around my waist. 
And when June rolls around, you'll sing "happy birthday" to the top of your lungs, wishing me many more, and you cross your heart that you'll be there for the next, for the rest.

It's fall now,
I'm not wearing my way-too-short blue jeans shorts, I'm wearing my favorite hoodie, my hair is falling down past my shoulders.
I'm on the look out through the almost bare trees to see signs of you.
nothing,
I see nothing,
where are you love?
Did the seasons finally stop manipulating you to their ways?
Have you managed to remain, to settle, did she show you the seasons in a way that I never could?

Where are you?

He bought soap.

Her eyes turned a shade of yellow, I couldn't describe
"he bought soap" she softly said, how could 3 gently spoken words
pierce through my heart, and send shivers down my spine?

"He bought soap" she repeated in a tone slightly heavier,
the words still made me spin, and I couldn't fathom
what she was feeling deep beneath her skin.

"I'm angry, I just hold such resentment"
she's remembering bitterly now,
"I mean he bought soap, he couldn't of planned it."
Why couldn't I offer any words that would sooth her agony?
Just when I laid a hand on her bare shoulder, to begin my embrace, hoping
my warmth could take up for my lack of adhortation, she let tears
escape those now painfully molded eyes.

"He was my father, my own flesh and blood" she's sobbing, and
I can't make my way past squeezing her shoulder.
She never called him daddy, and now she never would, I was
beginning to be angry for her too.

"How disturbed could his brain have been, to be able to pull that trigger"
she's disgusted, and my hand is removed from her body shifting a way to the other side of the room.
The thought of brand new bottles of soap was eatting her mind, she was raging.
"He bought soap, and I'll never know why"....




http://embigss.blogspot.com/2012/10/he-bought-soap.html

YOUNG LIFE.

In the beginning of my journey with Young Life my freshman year I didn't imagine myself going further than eating delicious pancakes at 6:30 a.m, feeling a little kick of excitement when we sang "light the fire", and laughing when this guy who's name I always confused with Rick or Will, was being funny and talking about Jesus, and wearing funny lookin sandals. I didn't know that sticking a fork in a apple and throwing it to each other could be so entertaining. I didn't know that you added lyrics to certain songs, if someone came up to me and said "what are the chances" I would have been confused. I didn't know putting a spoon in a guys plate meant you found him attractive, and I definitely didn't have any earthly idea as to what "work crew" was.


 I didn't think I was called to go any further with YL than sitting in that room, and giving Will, or Eric, or  Rick, or whatever his name was a high five when I left.  In fact, when they handed out the flyer's for weekend camps, I wouldn't even look at them.

It's kind of nice looking back on that,  I can imagine God shaking his head and smiling  because he knew very well the plans he had for me through the ministry of Young Life, even though I was clearly clueless.

It's my Senior year now, and I got to go to Windy gap as a leader in training this weekend.
It was my 2nd year going to a weekend camp, and in 2 months I'm heading to
Pigeon Ford, TN to reunite with the people I spent a month with this summer at Sharp Top.
I own a pair of those funny lookin sandals now, and that guy whose name wouldn't ever stick in my brains name is Eric Leathers, the best young life leader and friend ever.

When I was sitting in club, I looked around and it no longer felt unreal like the first time I had experienced club. I had the same joy, the same excitement for it, but this time it was settled. I had worked behind the scenes, I knew the very  carpet I was sitting on had been prayed for. It's all so real for me now, so warm, so reliable, it's home.

I was called to be a part of this ministry that I've grown to believe in so much.
I'll see Windy Gap in all it's wanders, and shooting stars during quiet times again along with sharp tops, and rockbridge, and hopefully many more. . .


God Bless YL.

happy four years.

I scowled with frustration at myself as I walked up and down the halls for being so irresponsible ALL THE TIME. I searched every corner frantically, where could it have fallen? Geez, my mom was going to kill me!
She had just gave me that ring for my 13 birthday 2 months ago..
This had to be the 84579435943 time I had lost it.

"Oh well, It will show up, it always does" I silently tried to reassure myself.

I walked in the class room and everyone stopped and turned their heads to me, I had been at Pilot Mountain middle school for 3 weeks and I was still being starred at. It's a small town and a new student was kind of a big deal. I heard a few of them say  "Hey Nathallie!" to which I responded with a sheepish smile, wishing I could remember all of their names. I made my way to an empty seat and sat down with eyes still on me. Were they ever going to stop? Was I ever going to get use to them, learn their names, become a part of their world? ... WAS I EVER GOING TO FIND MY RING.?!

Finally, the teacher stole their attention and started handing out papers, that's when a tall boy, curly hair, braces, and blue eyes who's name I did remember was coming my way.

He got to my desk and before I could stop him, he got on one knee right in front of me, and grabbed my left hand. My eyes widen, I mean I knew his name was Tyler and I guess we were friends.We had spoke several times since I'd been there but not enough for him to approach me with no ulterior motives and in such a strange way. Once again everyone turned to me.. great, thanks kid.
This time smiles crossed their faces and I heard a few girls giggle, so I looked down to where he was kneeling.

"Will you marry me?" he said with a smirk on his face, he held up a ring, it took me a second to recognize the ring he was holding, it was mine. Where'd he find it? And how did he know it belonged to me?
My confused faced dissolved and  I couldn't help but laugh, he caught me completely off guard.

"Yes!" I played along, giving him permission to slip the ring on to my finger.

We both laughed and I thanked him for finding my ring to which he responded with "no problem wifey" and flashed me that wicked grin of his.
(Pause. If you know Tyler now it might be hard for you to imagine him doing this BUT if you remember him then, then you could def see this.. he was a weird kid... ;) 

That was exactly four years ago.

& the start to an incredible friendship, he made adjusting to a new school entirely too easy.
8th, 9th, and half of 10th we stuck through continuously discovering new things about each other.

Yeah, we did eventually give in to the wrath of high school and let it drift us for a while there. Junior year was bumpy for us. 

I'm glad he made his way back to my life right in time for our senior year, and just in time for me to say..

Happy four years hubbs.

(;

"i asked jud who the best wife in the world is who puts up with her butt of a husband who doesn't know how to treat a great girl and jud said nat and we all know jud can't lie
i thought u might wanna know that "
Feb 1, 2009 6:00 PM

Tyler,
You're genuine, you're charismatic, you're athletic, kindhearted, intelligent, ambitious, and reliable.
You're inviting, hilarious, down-to-earth, so unique in character, and you're such a joy to be around.
But most importantly, and the thing that I adore the most about you, is that you love Jesus.
Talking to you is like taking a deep breath of fresh air, so refreshing to know that there are still young men who are fearfully made.
Thank youuu for everything. Super Ty. Getting to be a part of your life, and getting to know parts of you that others haven't has truly been a blessing for me.
I thought you might wanna know that.

I love you, always.

c

I love you more than you can fathom.

My brother turn his head to me, his eyes were widen, full of fear.
It's like he was pleading with his eyes for me to stop the car, his air bag exploded, his head slung back then disappear behind white powder.

I could smell smoke, and all it took was 4 sec for me to know what I had done.
Every thing else is blurry but those four seconds are crystal clear in my head.

And in those 4 sec, I prayed. 

I closed my eyes and prayed 3 words.

"Jesus protect us."

My eyes open to the sudden stop of the car, we were backwards, and my baby sisters screams from the back seat were keeping my eyes from closing again. 

My brother unbuckled his seat belt that he hung from, and laid his hands out in front of him to catch himself, blood covering his nostrils. Reading my face he quickly and in a surprisingly calm voice says "I'm okay, I'm okay, lets get out". He tried several times to open his door but it wouldn't budge. He banged it one last time in sheer frustration, he was stuck in from his side, so he began to crawl over to my side to get out.

I felt as if something was crushing my abdominal. Perhaps it was the aftermath feeling in your stomach when air is knocked straight out of your lungs, or, maybe something was really pressing against me. I felt pressure, but no pain and had no time to look down. I opened my door, then quickly unbuckled my seat belt and forced myself out. My feet hit the muddy ground, my knees threaten to give out and I struggled to keep my balance, I was so dizzy. I slung open my sisters door, and slightly bent down enough for her to crawl on to my body, wrapping her legs around my hips and hands around my neck. Sebastian hugged me from the side, resting his head on my shoulder, they were both breathing and sobbing heavily on my neck. 

I was thankful for their cries, because cries meant conscious, and conscious meant heart beat, and heart beat meant life. 

Their cries were the sound of a 2nd chance.

The only words I could utter were "Jesus protected us" over, and over again as I stroked her hair that was soaked from the rain. I couldn't say anything else other than the fact that the good Lord had saved us.

Two ladies arrived and helped me call 911 and my parents, my mom came and took my siblings and calmed them down with her embrace, as well as herself with theirs.
The sigh of relief finally left my body, I hadn't realized how tense I was until I looked down to see the whiteness of my knuckles from being balled up into a fist.
My body loosened and that's when I started to feel pain on my knee and chest, then I Suddenly heard a distant but loud ring in my ear.
 I grabbed my head trying to make it stop and I cried fiercely.

My emotions caught up to me, and I sobbed uncontrollably I could have killed them.
It all came rushing to me, I looked at the completely totaled car and cried louder. 

The lady took me into her arms, and attempted to calm me down, I broke free from her grasp and walked the other way. My mom came to me and cupped my face in her hands and repeatedly told me to calm down. I'm not the type to let my feelings escape me in such a hysteric way but it came pouring out of me, and for 10 minutes I kept reliving the scene. My shrieks wouldn't cease and continued to fill the air and I could hardly breathe. 

Finally, they managed to control me, my breathing got as back to rhythm as it possibly could in that situation, after that I just silently cried.
My friend who had been waiting for me at Aunt Beas showed up and ran to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
His presence calmed me down even more, and I'm sure I looked like Frankenstein bride but he held me anyway.
He told me I had mascara running all the way down to my lips, I giggled at the mental image of myself.
I let out another sigh of relief, this time allowing peace to settle in and I attempted to let it reign my thoughts and body.
& it did.
I managed to push away all the "What ifs"
It was going to be okay.
We were okay.

The next two hours consisted of
tears.hugs.cops.people.buses.questions. umbrellas.phone calls. hot showers. and grateful prayers..

I sleep cry at night, it messes with my head but
I see pictures of my car and I can't help but think that God loves more than I can ever possibly fathom.
 That wasn't luck, that was crazy love.

His crazy love, he's always so faithful in presence.

& once again, Jesus,  you heard my voice.

" I see you, and I made you, and I love you more than you can imagine, more than you can fathom"

he heard my voice.

I found this crumbled up in the bottom of a box.

& I remembered exactly when I wrote it ..

I was in class, not listening as usual, I was trying to write down exactly how I felt. 

That is all I had, I was restless.

Wrestling with countless and what seemed like endless nightmares and sleep paralysis attacks. 

Along with mistakes, regrets, this "perfect" little world of mine was getting too heavy to carry around on my shoulders.  

I took out handfuls of folded up paper and opened every single one them.

I literally re read every single bible verse/letter/quote/song lyric Abby gave me to encourage me.

I remember praying and praying and praying.. 

I remember asking where He was. 

I remember the frustration of not feeling this God that everyone said would never leave me.

But I didn't give up, and Abby didn't give up on me either, and neither did HE. 

He gave freedom.

I'm not captive anymore..

I don't live a life where I have to hide, I'm no longer as sick as my darkest secret.

I walk in light.

Jesus,

you heard my voice. 

lost.

I feel fearless sometimes, like I don't care what anyone says I'm going to dive in this with all my heart because that's what it wants to do.

Other days, like today. Where I haven't ate right, or slept well because guilt and anxiety attack me from every direction.

I ask again, is this worth it?
Is he worth all this trouble that I'm going to face with everyone?
My head hurts, I feel dizzy just thinking about it and nausea strikes me.
I've never felt so lost. ever.
I've never not known what to do.
There's got to be a way right?
I just haven't found it yet.

I have a date.

"...so will you..?" he said at the very end of the sentence.

Wait.what! Did he just ask me out? no. What is he doing? Those crazy, lovely blue eyes that once looked at me as a friend. Were now gazing at me with anticipation and spark.

We were under beautiful lights, trees, the beauty of nature under the night sky, with music in the background, and the sound of people laughing and having a good time. 

It was all going so great...

Why'd he have to ruin it..

okay, okay. I'm being kind of a brat. 

It was a very sweet thing to do, though it was entirely too main stream and awkward.

"umm, No. I'm just kind of...err" 

Great sentence Nat! He probably feels as great as chopped liver right about now.

"What" he innocently asked with a confused expression.

"I'm talking to someone right now.." I lied. (Shutup, I panicked) 

"oh, your mom said you weren't" he responded, now looking more confused.

MOMMM!!!!

 he talked to my MOTHER?!?!

"oh, well I'm just resolving some feelings for someone" I silently said.

Okay, that one isn't entirely a lie...

"okay, well just keep in touch" he was forcing a smile and my inside were twisting, and guilt was stuck along with the knot in my throat.

 He is beautiful. No, like BEAUTIFUL. Looks like he jumped out of a magazine and I flirted with him all the time. It's what I freaking get for being such a dang tease... I would have never expected him to develop feelings for me. He just isn't my type and doesn't fit my personality at all. arghhh.

"alright, I will! lets not make this awkward. Lets go get some cake" I responded with such fake enthusiasm, I didn't even believe it. 

Lets go get some cake.

Lets go get some cake.

because CAKE was more important than this poor boys feelings.!

I'm an idiot.

We go back to the party and everyone was starring, because quite frankly EVERY BODY KNEW. 

It was just.. oh gosh. horrid.

I felt like such a witch.

And I didn't hear the end of it from Abby..

"oh you could have had a boyfriend."

"hahahahha, you and him"

Long story short.

He's been texting me and I agreed to go on a date tomorrow.

Let me give you a glimpse of the conversation... word for word.

I kid you not.

"Hey Nathallie. What are you doing this Wednesday"

"I'm not sure!"

"Okay if you want and if it wont cause  problems, would you like to hang out on Wednesday?"

"sure!"

"Awesome. what would you want to do"

"I don't care!"

"Well me either.Is there a movie you want to see, do you want to go eat somewhere I'm up for anything"

"you're driving, you pick"

"well is there a movie you want to see"

"Not that I know of, anything is cool"

"Is there somewhere you want to eat that you haven't been to in a while"

...

on. 

and on.

I know. he's trying so hard. 

It makes me feel terrible inside because

one. I didn't see this coming.

and two. his parents love me and are very upset that I said no.

and three. my mom calls me a jerk because she says I "lead guys on and the only reason I don't like him is because he is a good guy"...  while my dad dies of laughter every time we hit the subject.

I have a date tomorrow guys.

sigh. 

Fearless.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before.  FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.  I think love is FEARLESS.

& I Nathallie Lynnette Chavez have never felt so Fearless.

all is well.

Start of my senior year and I'M SICK.
just my darn luck, /I feel like I've been ran over by a truck about 83 times.
Breathing is even painful, my heart aches every time I cough, which is often.
I can't smell absolutely anything, and I'm going completely insane!
& I sound like a mental horse every time I talk...
yeah. yeah. yeah I'm such a baby.

Anyway!
Despite of my physical illness my classes aren't the worst.
I have..
Internship ( I dont know where yet)
AP Psychology (online)
AP World History ( only with the cutest freakin teacher alive, Mr.Freeman.. gosh, I  hope he doesn't read these)
Flex

Hopefully I'll recover soon so I can be all perky and what not again.
This place might not be my favorite but I mean, all is well.

p.s.  SHOUT OUT to all my Work Crew Family that I miss so much.

I thought this was a good picture of me.

.....No?

alright.

fate is cruel sometimes.

"I like the way you say my name" his perfect lips shaped themselves into a smirk and I rolled my eyes in response. I hadn't known him long but I caught on to his flirtatious ways probably quicker than he would have wished. The wind violently rattled the windows, and the waves fiercely crashed against the shore as the thunder roared causing me to squirm in fear.
I hate thunderstorms but I wouldn't dare admit it at the moment, no, not to him. He was 100 percent bad A and would probably laugh at my distraught nature over a storm.

Not knowing what to do with myself anymore as he uncomfortably starred at my face. I began to put my hair up in a pony tail. I didn't realize how knotty the wind had made it on our walk back to the beach house until my fingers where wrestling with each strand as they were tangled in one another.

"I like your curly hair too" he said smirking again, as he examined my struggle to put my hair up in a simple pony tail he let out a small chuckle.
"Would you shut up?" I said in a bratty tone as I finished putting my hair up, instantly regretting it knowing it probably looked better down anyway.

He laughed out loud at my remark and ran his fingers over his brown, messy hair.
I let a smile escape my lips at the sight of him leaning back on the couch, looking towards the ceiling still giggling. I knew he loved my reactions to his comments which were quite frankly a feeble attempt to flatter me.
He's just too cool I remember thinking.



I snapped out of my flashback in time to find the student teacher tilting his head, squinting his face waiting for my response to his question.
"Nathallie" I quickly said  slightly biting my lip, and managed to throw him a non chalant smile as if I hadn't noticed all the resemblance him and his brother shared.
All my muscles had tighten at the sound of his last name, which had given me a chance to recognize the shape of his eyes. Only one other person had those same shape of eyes and it was to no surprise his own flesh and blood.

Did he know who I was? I was being paranoid now.
Who cares?  They're just brothers!

I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to put the puzzles together and figure it out like I just had. I mentally slapped myself for not doing that earlier as I turned my head, as if I could stop him for knowing, as if  turning around could erase my image from his brain after a 10 min conversation.

Every time my little beach friend came around I always kind of hid and became terribly uneasy.
I never wanted to face all that had went on a year ago at the beach.
Now I had to face the resemblance and mannerisms him and his older brother shared at my own school. This is my territory, this isn't fair, I'm trying to forget..
In essence, this might be good for me but right now it just feels as if fate is being awfully cruel.

Here's to Senior year.

"I want to go to California!"

I've heard her lips utter these six words over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.
Her angelic voice always covered the room as she sang "there's a boy out on the coast of california. there's a world out there and it's waiting for you."

Her determination and constant nagging finally took a toll and put her on a plane, and off to Cali she went.
I was ready to recieve a load of text messages of how she never wanted to leave, I was antciapating the losing of her heart to the glamour state.

Which is why the text message I recieved left me in a state of confusion
as it read "This isn't where I belong."

"Cali?"
"yessss. its crazy"
"Not what you want? "
"Not even close"
"what changed your mind?"
" don't know, guess I created this wonderland in my mind,  but its not that all"
" Well Abby, at least you got to expierence it and know that it's not where you want to be "

Here's to acting like we know exactly what we want, and heres to well, changing our mind because nothing in our life has to be set & stone.
Here's to every excuse being "Whatever, it's our last year"
Here's to "one last times"
Here's to Senior nights.
17. world at our finger tips.
Here's to Senior Year.

I know.

I don't know anything about you,
I couldn't recognize your scent if it crossed me.
I don't know your moms name or all of your nick names, hell, I don't even know your middle name.
I couldn't even tell you your favorite color, much less your favorite song.
I don't know your touch because you never laid hands on me, or the warmth of your skin because you never embraced me
 .
I know your laugh, I know your voice, I know the rhythm of your walk, and the glow in your eye.
I know the way you strum guitar, and the way your face squints when you sing..
but with time I know I'll struggle to remember even that.
I hold on to what I know because it gave me a slight, sweet, taste of what it's like to feel again.
You absent mindedly let words that pinpointed  your pain and bitterness slip through your lips between the jokes, and to me your cover up laid shattered on the ground.

The strength you have to carry all those burdens made you that much more beautiful.
The way you move so flawlessly, making it all seem so effortless, when I know in reality the world rest entirely too heavily on your shoulders.
You're exhausted to your every bone but stand undefeated and I see that, I see these wanders you've made out of yourself with out showing a glimpse of weariness to others.

I know.
I know I hit too close to home, I cross lines... but here, just please let me take some
of the pain... you shouldn't have to bear it all...on your own.

bittersweet.

oh hey.

I'm back,

and my next few days will consume of recovering from mosquito bites and attempting to catch up on sleep. 

I'm fluttered with mixed emotions, I'm starting to figure out that nothing taste worst than bitter-sweetness. 

From "one last times", to cleaning up the place you started to call home, to waking up with a knot in your throat from knowing it's time to depart,  to hugging the life out of your roommates wishing you could take them with you. To sad car rides home that turned into the happiness of the sweet surprise of seeing your best friend jump out of your parents vehicle to receive you. To posted notes all over your room along with "welcome home" text blowing up your phone. To holding your precious niece and hugging your sisters. Even all the way to waking up the next morning to another bitter-sweet taste of taking senior pictures because some how I blinked twice and I'm already a senior..

SharpTop Cove work session two was easily the best month of my life. I was with amazing people from sunrise to sunset, serving and growing together in Christ.
Room 207 was filled with three other girls who taught me how to love and laugh like never before. I learned how to pray, how to cry with out feeling weak, and how to serve just as much physically as spiritually. I saw Jesus transform lives, heal the broken week after week and teenagers from all over the USA became part of the greatest love story ever told. I built SharpTop Cove a home in my heart, the beautiful thing about having friendships in Christ is that it's never goodbye.
It's refreshing to think that this is just the beginning of the many more great things that Gods going to do before my eyes.

before I go, happy fathers day daddy.

..because I'm going to be gone for fathers day, I hope you all appreciate dad day and spend some quality time with your fathers.


oh father of mine..
You've made it so difficult for me to find a boy to date so far dad, not because you're strict when it comes to dating, in fact you're so chill about most things. But because you've set the bar way up there, it is said that 97 percent of women marry a man like their dad. Needless to say,  I think I'm going to be one of them girls. Mom always says "good luck finding a man like your dad because there isn't many", as I get older I'm starting to see that. It's funny because they ask me what I look for in a guy, I'm giving away the secret here! If they would mimic you, follow you around and see how you acted, how you treated your wife, your kids, then they treated me that way. That would be the key, that's the answer. I look for you...even subconsciously.
What makes it funnier is that they won't do that daddy, they won't get near you to study you because you pull off the whole strong, silent thing like a pro. They're afraid of you and it makes me giggle. They don't know you have such a bubbly personality, that you're such a funny, easy going man, and that you dance around in the living room with all 7 of your daughters. Then again, they should be afraid because if anyone tried to hurt us, or make us feel inferior, you would be the first to come out of the cave.
 Once people get to know you, they instantly fall in love with your charm, and your good good heart.
You're so good to people dad and you raised us to be good to everyone too.
I love that about you, that you're so humble and selfless

I love that you're such a soccer dad and have coached 8429759847529384 teams.
I love that you make stepping on your grass a  bigger deal then coming in at 3 in the morning.
I love how cool you are.
I love when mom says that I'm just like you because I feel like she's complimenting me..sometimes. ;)
I love how you randomly give us 30 min lessons about life that always make Yaritza & Giselle cry.
I love how you make fun of mom all the time.
I love that you already asked mom if I can have visitors at camp.
I love that you're my friend,  my good pal.
I really do hope to find a man as wonderful as you.
You're wise, handsome, genuine, and everything a father should be.

I love you papi!
Happy Fathers Day!

live like this.

It's morning now,
and the sun blazes through the window allowing me to see the dust dancing around in the light that breaks in around the curtains.
My sluggish, feverish body gives me strength to make tea and I convince myself it's okay to add two spoons full of honey. I sit comfortably in my couch and press the cup to my lips and take a tiny sip. I make it swirl a bit around my mouth before I let it run down my throat. I admire the taste of tea, cool enough to not sting my tongue but hot enough to make me warm.
Though I'm physically ill,  my mind is at peace, I only think about my delicious tea and the restful day that lies ahead of me.
In the midst of my solitary enjoyment, the thought of you comes crashing in my brain like waves on a stormy night.
"noooo" I whisper, get out of my head.
That's what I hate the most, that the memory of you attacks me not when I'm at my worst but when I'm not struggling with any mental demons, when I'm completely content.
That's when you so easily slip into my very thoughts, re-captivate my soul, and a flood of emotions, flashbacks, and pain come in and I very bitterly relive it all.
You don't deserve me to be smitten with you, for me to still remember.
My lovely, gentle readers, I hope you never feel the way I do  in remembrance of him. I hope no one ever in your short years, make you feel so useless, so inferior, so helpless and lost.
May you never gasp for air, only to attain more wrenching sobs. I hope you never let someone so deep, so hidden in your insides, that getting them out is torture all the way to the bones.
May your first love, be your only love because if  not, I'm afraid  you're forced to live like this.

brand new days.

The room was silent but we had both yet to drift off into sleep.
One in the morning had rolled around and after a great day spent, and our nightly prayers said, we just laid there both drowned in thought.

Breaking the silence she turns to me, now facing me and says "How do you let go? It's been two weeks since the worst day of my existence. That's not a long time, but how do you ever move on?"

"Emily" I gently said, "I haven't figured it out yet."

The morning broke in and the sun creeped through the blinds with out their permission, and we awoke to a beautiful day. When I stepped outside, the warm sun kissed my face forcing my eyes to adjust to light. The first thing that came to my mind was "It's a brand new day"

 I'm too young to know all the pain that life can give and most certainly how bad it can get.
As of right now though, as a sixteen year old girl, I'm going to rely on how it feels when God gives you the privilege of waking up to a new day.
Emily, that's my most sincere, to the utmost of my very little wisdom, answer of how to let go.
That's where my hope of letting go to what hurts will lie, on a bunch of brand new days, one after another, after another. Until it's my time to walk with Jesus.
What do you call one brand new day after another? Time.
& time heals what reason can't.

 God loves us that much, that as long as he lets us live, he also lets us have brand new days.
We can start over, and over, and over as many times as we please.
So here's to brand new days that'll lead you to healing.
Here's to morning air and this beautiful, strong willed, freckled faced girl that I've grown so fond of

Here comes the .. sunshine!

.

PIGS.

I promised her a blog & here it is..

Readers, meet Kelsey Scott Wilson also known as "pigs"..

She isn't fat, at all.

We just like to pretend she's a 300 pound human being but she's actually very beautiful.

                                                                          See. :)

Somethings you need to know about Kelsey.

Rare is the occasion that she comes to school..

1. matching.

2. with make up on

3. with out food in her hands.

4. her hair fixed.

5. not talking about Clover.

She loves..

a. color pink

b. Kayon

c. Zack

d. shikoras

e. softball

Random things about Kelsey...

1. her toes are funny lookin

2. we were roommates in Washington D.C

3. She says "you know what I mean" when she wants you to agree with her, which is always.

4. her laugh, it's cute.

5. she has shikoras as one of her favorites on her phone.

6. she has a very weak immune system

7. she's an amazing softball player

This is a typical Kelsey outfit.

This is how I'm probably going to remember her when I'm 40, just like this.

Oh hey, what's that in her hand, is that food? lets take a closer look..

YUP, it's an oreo. 

That was for a party in our 3rd period, what do ya know! She couldn't wait. 

She has really curly hair that I always fixed in first period.

you're welcome kels. 

Kelsey loves her dog Clover more than anything in the World, after her niece Kayson of course. But def before Zack (her boyfriend) ;) She always comes in showing me a brand new picture of Clover that quite frankly looks exactly the same as he did the day before. 

P.s .one day a few of my fellow classmates & I will saran wrap this adorable dog to a pole.. (;

Lame stories about Kelsey.

Story #1

One time she came in to first period almost crying because she ran over a possum. She was so upset she called her dad, mom, and Zack to tell them about what in her brain was a tragedy.

When she told Austin & I ..

we died laughing.

She shows herself for what she truly is... a physco animal lover.

Story # 2

one time she was at a restaurant and the t.v fell on her head and she got a concussion.

hahahahahahahhahah

things/stories about ...

Kelsey & I .

#1

When I gave her the idea of surprising Jessica our sophomore year, she was the one who was 110 percent willing to help me. As soon as I told her she was spitting out ideas and was immediately  more excited than anyone. It was no longer my idea alone, it was ours. It was our project for one of our best friends.
We had quite the adventure gathering donations, getting every single person in our grades t-shirt size, designing the shirts, and most importantly keeping it a secret.
I don't think I could ever possibly forget dancing/yelling in front of Stevens house with the check in our hand and going straight to Lucys house.
or how we had to get Jessica out of class and hand out so many t-shirts before she walked back up the hall. 

It was great, behind the scenes of that big day was her & I. 

I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, she was the perfect person to share this experience with.

I had the time of my life.

#2

We thoroughly went through Taylor Swifts Album Fearless and we constantly wrote lyrics on each others Facebook wall for weeks. 

#3 (remember this!)

 (POP!)

Kelsey: oh snap! what was that! Nat get off and check!

Me: Umm. your wheel, it's uhh hurt.

Your dad: Well that'll just be your Christman present... (silence)

Merry Christmas..

We always say we passed our "rebel stage" together, which we did.

She's shaped herself into quite an outstanding young lady, with a lot of talent.

We've always been friends, we've managed to keep a good, solid friendship. 

We get along so well and I love it.

& I love you Pigs.

Stay the way you are! It's fun to watch, you're quite amusing (: